He had one of those small greek statue penises
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
