Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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