Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
