I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
