It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
