pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
