i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My liver just had a heart attack.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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