I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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