Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
