Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
