My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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