Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
