I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize