dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
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Do I have a choice?
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You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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