I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
