Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
