hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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