Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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