I think my fart just growled at me.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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