Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
