Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It was confusing and full of hummus
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Mom said you looked used
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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