what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm passing your future prison.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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