I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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