I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
