Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize