The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
