How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
