I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
