if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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