Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
