Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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