My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
