There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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