I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I feel great
I just peed on a car
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
