I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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