I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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