May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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