I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
