you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
