Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
