I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
