i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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