what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize