3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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