it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
