My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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