You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My vagina is officially offended.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
