I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
