My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
foreskin is a definite game changer
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
