So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you traded sex for a burrito?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
