And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Welp...herpes.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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