Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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