Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
