does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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