I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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