when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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